


maybe we'll fall again

by minhyunies



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, idk how to tag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-31
Updated: 2017-08-31
Packaged: 2018-12-22 06:25:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11961585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minhyunies/pseuds/minhyunies
Summary: kyungsoo hates the rain and jongin loves it4 years change a lot of broken promises, forgotten lies and sweet goodbyes





	maybe we'll fall again

> **_prologue: ours_ **

_september 18th, 2009_

 

**kyungsoo hates the rain with a burning passion. not because the rain results in sloshy yet troublesome pavements and soaked up clothes, but because the rain feintly evokes memories of all the times he spent in his arms. the rain is unforgiving with how it scents of the earth, reminding him vividly of how he would securely be tangled into the arms of his lover.**

**how he would reach up to slowly brush his caramel bangs away from his face and lose himself into myriads ahead of them. he hated how every morning of the moonsoon brought remembrance of the days kyungsoo would walk by his side, his face gently pressed onto his lover's shoulder as they talked about sweet nothings. he hated that he missed him, and he hated that he was gone.**

 

**...**

kim jongin had always been a little bit of a troublemaker so somehow, his absence was never surprising to kyungsoo. frankly, he had expected it to happen sooner or later. what he regretted with all his being, however, was the fact that regardless of the end being so inevitable he truly never treasured the small moments where he felt like he was wanted and needed by someone; another living, breathing human with emotions like his.

 

kyungsoo's feet pressed against the road whilst he hummed along to his earphones playing slow, calming jazz tunes and with his umbrella clutched tightly in his left hand. he made his way around to the small bakery that spelled " **BKER** " due to the lights of the bright sign going off in several places.

 

the little store was as warm and pleasant as he recalled it being and his nose caught a whiff of coffee and whatnot as he settled down on a little table and unzipped his briefcase. several pices of parchment spilled out instantly and he did his best to fasten him together and hold them in order as he began scribbling down the remaining parts to his book.

 

"where's the other one, kid?" a voice resulted in kyungsoo breaking free of his current concentration towards the papers, staring hard enough to etch holes through it but having no inspiration of what to pen down and in what way.

 

his head snapped up to take in the sight of the old man who would warmly smile at kyungsoo and jongin whenever they came to have their usual order of sugar cookies and coffee. black for jongin and a latte for kyungsoo, the man had memorised it to be.

 

he swallowed the all too familiar lump in his throat that would instantly build up on the mention of jongin while blurting out an unsure, "i don't really know, sir." his eyes dropped back to the paper awkwardly and the man didn't have to be told to not push the subject further twice.

 

"the usual, then?" he asked kyungsoo with a hint of encouragement only to receive a small yet melancholic smile when he replied, "yes, but there's no need to bring the black coffee and extra cookies today. i'll be the only one ordering."

 

the man slowly made his way behind the doors of the kitchen leaving kyungsoo to his own soltitude. the quiet was a feeling he had experienced for years into his adulthood but somehow the past few months spent with someone by his side made him forget the feeling altogether. kyungsoo wondered how easily his life had become this way, and why he had done nothing to prevent it from happening.

 

 

  **mine:**

_june 5th, 2013_

 

 

kyungsoo wants to forget him so bad. he completely wants to get him out of his system, completely wants shred his smile and his face piece by piece out of the expanse of his mind. at the same time, he also wants to remember, just for a bit longer and just until he is done with having his own book published (the one he has shamelessly based upon the seven and a half months he spent with him). he wants it to be over soon, remember as much to plot down the last few lines and then press a button and completely wipe kim jongin away as if he never existed.

 

it's been about four years since jongin left, and kyungsoo has managed to get by and write a few books here and there but nothing out of the ordinary. nothing that could make his publishers sit awe and absorb the different dimensions he's trying to potray. at this point, it only feels like worthless word vomit but thinking about it, kyungsoo's entire life has become word vomit.

 

his cellphone dings to show one new message from her.

 

her: moon hyejin, kyungsoo's girlfriend.

 

hyejin and kyungsoo are like the sun and moon. the world thinks that they're perfect and meant to be, even kyungsoo's parents (that never seemed to like jongin) think that she would make the most amazing daughter-in-law, but kyungsoo doesn't want her. he cares for her deeply, respects her and wants her to be happy; he doesn't want her. after all these years, he only wants jongin. guilt ocassionally makes its way around his heart when he realises he's only leading her on in the most cruel way.

 

every phone call, every text, every hug only makes her hope for something kyungsoo will never be able to give her no matter how hard he tries to. his mind is good, but his heart is selfish. he decides it's okay for it to be that way, after all, the heart wants what it wants. it's not her fault anyways, by how she always talks to kyungsoo at nights when he can't sleep and how she makes sure everything is proper when kyungsoo leaves for work and when he comes back.

 

he would try to love her if he could since he knows he genuinely likes her as a person, but she's not his person and she'll never be his person.

 

kyungsoo's co-worker, baekhyun seems to know that all too well. he knows jongin from high school (kyungsoo was surprised when he found out; it's a small world) and he's heard about their story from both kyungsoo and jongin's mouth and he really doesn't understand how either of them could give up on their relationship and walk away like that.

 

he doesn't understand heartbreak easily, the little ring sitting on his finger proudly indicates he managed to find someone who loves him as much as he does. in his case, park chanyeol from his school's drama club. they were high school sweethearts that clicked and fell in love hard enough to be willing to spend their lives together. as happy as kyungsoo is for baekhyun, he envies him for having a love so perfect.

 

he runs a hand through his hair as he sighs deeply, staring blankly into the white noise. baekhyun's voice cuts through his trance like a knife, startling him a bit.

 

"kyungsoo-ssi, do you want to the new restaurant with me? we can have korean barbeque. it's my treat, you look a bit down these days." he speaks hopefully, casually putting an arm on kyungsoo's shoulder.

 

"baekhyun, you know how i feel about social gatherings. i hardly go out on my own, maybe next time?" he asks with a questioning end to his statement, and baekhyun frowns with a little pout on his face.

"no. you're coming with us today and if you don't i'll drag you there myself. you always say no!" he complains, his voice going up a few octaves.

 

 

"i've had enough of you sitting around sulking over something that happened four years-" he stops cautiously, realising he had hit a nerve he shouldn't have.

 

"sorry," he adds softly "i shouldn't be forc-"

 

"it's okay, baek. i'll come." he answers, halting their conversation.

 

"have a nice day, kyungsoo." he states before he gathers his things and leaves the small office just as soundlessly as he entered. kyungsoo sits there mute for a few seconds, mentally cursing at himself for being so messed up. this was all his fault.

 

it was his fault a girl waited for him back home thinking he loved her, it was his fault that his parents expected him to settle down and start a family and it was his fault that jongin wasn't here anymore. damn you, jongin.

 

everything feels like a burden on his shoulder and without realising or being in control of his actions he stands up carelessly, tossing his bag onto the glass door with all the force he can muster and causing it to tremble with a loud bang. all the wrong in the whole world feels like his own fault.

 

 

**his:**

_june 5th, 2013_

 

 

jongin loves photography, especially during the rain. the rain is serene and soothing and his photographs turn out prettier than the color of the earth after a rain shower. he loves the petrichor and how it seeps deep into his lungs, making him feel elated and welcomed. he loves to capture everything from the pouring droplets, to the plants, clouds and sometimes even his own one-bedroom studio apartment that is colored grey by the reflection of the bland lighting outside.

 

the rain makes him want to lose his consciousness and forget about all his worries but what jongin loves the most about rain, is that it makes him remember kyungsoo with every breath he takes. he regrets that four years later, his walls are still plastered with the older man. some of his shots are extremely cliche, he admits, where he's either holding hands with then as they walk or a picture that has been perfected after several shots yet whenever someone asks he always says it was purely accidental.

 

the gradual development of his photgraphy from blurry shots of kyungsoo and kyungsoo only to more professionally taken, bland photographs clearly shows that while he has gained something that he had an undying passion for, he has lost someone that made him feel things that couldn't be described in words, or in jongin's case, in photographs.

 

tonight, jongin messily wraps his photographs in a folder (he wants to save them for a portfolio) and grabs his jacket to delve deeper into the towns of busan. he usually visits his friend oh sehun's bar, on some nights too drunk off cheap soju to even know his own name. regardless of being accompanied by beautiful men and women from time to time, jongin is lonely, and no matter what he does it always feels like there's a meaningless void that has replaced his heart and that no matter how many lies he may come up with to convince his own self, it's true for a fact that he's been gone far beyond the point where he can be saved.

 

on some days jongin likes that his life is this way: soundless, quiet, selfish. on other days the same soundlessness and the same selfishness makes him tug at the base of his hair in frustration and hurl inanimate objects wherever his sight can reach. in his own defense, it works even if just temporarily.

 

he has figured out that if he drags his "temporarily" long enough he might just be able to live past this hell.

 

busan is very standard, put in the nicest way possible. it's neither lavish nor too distasteful for him. he admits that it's not as fancy or as luxurious as seoul but after adjusting to the environment and knowing that his friends are only a call away whenever he needs them it's not so bad in all honesty.

 

busan is the place for his dreams but not of his dreams (it doesn't really matter in jongin's eyes). exactly four years ago from today: saturday, 5th june 2010, he had received a letter which statement his acceptance into the busan school of arts and photography in the simplest way possible, and he decided to leave not only seoul but the seoulite boy with the stars in his eyes behind to carve his own future into some different constellation.

 

jongin enjoys studying photography and being able to put his own creativity in every piece that he makes. it gives him freedom of a sort, the ability to make even the simplest of things look picturesque. today he decides to stop by his noona's flower shop where he's always welcomed even if she rarely is there herself. the shop helps him take really satisfying photographs, from shots of the vases to the bundles of brightly colored roses, lillies, pansies, chrysanthemums and baby's breath, jongin's favourite flower.

 

he has his little yet effective polaroid camera in his hand at all times. the results aren't as high quality as that of his professional cameras but it's alright since he doesn't need these for anything professional but rather to stick to his diary. he doesn't write in it because no, that's kyungsoo's job (he finds himself smiling a little at that thought).

 

instead he covers it with scattered pictures of about anything he finds interesting enough to stop by and shoot. he frowns a bit when he realises the pictures he takes on the daily are slowly outnumbering the ones he had taken of kyungsoo years ago.

 

jongin doesn't like the sound of that.

 

 

 

 **to kyungsoo,** talking to hyejin about anything is awkward, he decides.

 

it's not like she is ridiculously dubious or controlling or anything of that sort but in actuality, she is quite the opposite which is something that makes him feel a sharp sting of guilt in his gut.

 

she always seems to understand no matter what he has to say and he wishes she could be more difficult to deal with so he would have a legitimate excuse to be angry at her and retaliate rather than hurting her both mentally and emotionally over and over again. it's not a healthy relationship but a toxic one and he just wants it to be over and he hates himself so much for that.

 

kyungsoo is mindlessly flipping through the channels when hyejin approaches him and takes a seat right next to him on the couch. even if they share an apartment, because of how hectic and unforgiving both their jobs are they hardly have time to see each other except right now where he usually prefers going to sleep.

 

he sleeps on the couch as if it has become a tradition and he can see the distance widening itself between the both of them which is something he will eternally be grateful for.

 

"kyungsoo-ssi," she starts, her fingers constantly fidgeting with the cloth of her shirt and he replies with a small "yes?"

 

"i think we need to talk about us. have i done something to upset you?" she asks in a small voice which wavers slightly and he instantly feels guilt pang at his gut again.

 

"no, hyejinnie..." he tries but somehow is unable to form words.

 

"i must have, kyungsoo. we are going to get married in five months yet you don't seem interested in me anymore (arranged marriage, kyungsoo mentally corrects her).

 

please tell me what's wrong and we can work something out." she gives a hopeful voice and she needs to stop this instant because he can almost feel tears well in his eyes by how disappointed he feels with himself.

 

"listen," he moves forward to hold her hands but he can not bring himself to look straight into her eyes and tell her _yes, i'm gay._ yes, that night was a mistake and yes, this is all my fault so he settles for "i can't do this anymore."

 

"what do you mean to say?"

 

"i can't continue this. i can't continue to be selfish and hurt you. i'm very so-"

 

"don't. do you think i never realised?" she smiles but her voice is audibly unstable and her eyes glisten with tears, reciprocating what he feels right now except he wants to cry because he's a terrible person and she wants to cry because she might never be loved back by the person she gave her everything to.

 

"i understand. we can break it off whenever you think is appropriate."

 

he realises by now a tear has made its way down his cheek and his head falls back to the ground.

 

he's crying, for the first time in months he's crying because he feels weak and helpless.

 

she doesn't deserve anyone like him but someone who can love her the way she truly deserves. he deserves neither her nor jongin because he can never love anyone right and that's a fault in his stars.

 

"i'll talk to you more about this tomorrow, goodnight." she stands up and leaves for her own room (previously their shared bedroom) as quietly as humanly possible.

 

for the first time in months, he doesn't stop her and apologise and he doesn't hold her close like he did even if he never felt sincerity in anything he had ever did for her.

 

he doesn't do any of that because it's not what she deserves, and it has no value coming from him.

 

that night kyungsoo feels too uneasy and vulnerable to sleep, even if he feels a large burden being lifted off his shoulder and when morning comes, she's already gone before he can stop her.

 

he wouldn't if he had the opportunity to.

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first time writing a fic on ao3 and writing a kaisoo fic in general! i'll appreciate constructive criticism very much, hopefully i'll improve to make even better content over time :) please understand if the updates take time as i am busy with school and studying in general for the most part :/ thank you <3


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